Have you ever been walking down the hall at work and smiled at a co-worker, only to have them scowl back at you?
Your mind starts racing and you think to yourself…
Oh no, what did I do to make them mad? I bet it was because I called them out in that meeting. Ugh, why did I do that? I should have kept my mouth shut.
Your mind continues to spiral until you’ve convinced yourself that said co-worker is on their way to HR to complain about you, which ultimately will get you fired, so then of course you’ll go broke and soon you’ll be back living with your parents. And on and on it goes.
You spend most of the afternoon worrying about it. The 3pm team meeting rolls around and you’re fully prepared for the wrath of your co-worker at the meeting. Nervously, you brace yourself for the worst.
BUT THEN…
To your surprise, your co-worker enters with a smile on their face and greets you warmly. Their presence is completely different than this morning. You’re confused so you start chatting with them. They say, “Man, this morning was such a rough one. I couldn’t get my kids out of bed, the dog wouldn’t stop barking and I am feeling stressed out about this deadline coming up.” You then realize immediately that the scowl from this morning had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
Mind Reading
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, this is a form of jumping to conclusions called mindreading. Mindreading is automatically expecting other people to know what you’re thinking or assuming you know what the other person is thinking with limited information to go off of. It’s the stories we create in our head, without ever asking the person what they are actually thinking. When we go off limited information, our mind will make up a story of its own.
When you find yourself going down the anxiety spiral, ask yourself what evidence you have to support the thought. Usually, you’re going off limited information or a hunch. Try thinking through other possible scenarios in your head like, maybe they’re just having a bad day or are super tired. Chances are, their reaction has nothing to do with you. If it’s still bothering you, ask them! Simply asking about their day can lead to a meaningful conversation and you’ll receive more information about what’s actually going on.
Taking it one step further, you can let them know that you noticed they were in a bad mood today and you’re anxiety is getting the best of you, so you wanted to make sure the two of you are on the same page. By doing this, you’ll be able to get the clarity you need, without suffering through a full day worrying. If it turns out that is does have to do with you, this can be a great opportunity to talk through what’s bothering the other person, rather than letting it build up into something bigger.
You’re Not the Star of Everyone Else’s Movie
Also remember, you’re not the star of everyone else’s movie. This is a metaphor used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that sounds harsher than it really is. For example, it’s raining out and you slip and fall in front of five strangers outside of Target. This leads you feeling, understandably, embarrassed. Your mind starts telling you that all the strangers are laughing at you and are going to tell their 5 million family and friends about your fall. You cringe thinking about the fall for days. In reality, people have their own stuff going on! They aren’t always thinking about you. So maybe 2 out of the 5 told someone, but I bet the other 3 saw it and them resumed worrying or thinking about the other things in their own life. Just as you’re wrapped up in what’s going on with you, so are other people. They aren’t noticing what you’re doing as much as your brain tells you they are. Another trick is to try and reverse the situation. What would you have done if you were in their shoes? At the end of the day, always ask yourself – will this matter in a day, a month or a year?
Next time you get in your head, use these tricks and skills to gain a little perspective about the situation, get out of your head and worry less about what others are thinking of you.
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