As an anxious ridden early 20 something, my mind would constantly go something like this “Work harder, do more, you’re so behind.” Interestingly enough, this didn’t really lead me to do more and I was constantly an internal stress ball of anxiety. I found the more a pushed, the more exhausted I became.
It wasn’t until a few years later that I was introduced to the idea of self-compassion. It was something COMPLETELY foreign to me but ended up changing my life.
To explain self-compassion, I need to go back to the OG of self-compassion research, Dr. Kristin Neff. Dr. Neff is an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and has been researching self-compassion for over 20 years. She was doing research in the field long before self-compassion and self-care were buzz words or snippets on Instagram.
What is self-compassion?
According to Neff, self-compassion is:
- Self-kindness not self judgement
That voice I was talking about above? That was self-judgement. The self-compassionate voice is warm and understanding. It recognizes that we’re humans that fail, feel inadequate and aren’t perfect. The more we acknowledge that, the more we achieve a greater sense of calmness. For example, a self-judgement voice says “How could I forget to get the bread at the grocery store? I’m so stupid.” The self-compassionate voice says “I forgot the bread and that sucks, however I’ve had so much going on today that it’s understandable that I might slip up. Looks like I’ll need to go back to the store again and that’s OK. I’m human and sometimes forget things.”
Either way you forgot the bread, but do you see how the internal experience is different
2. Common Humanity not Isolation
When you’re going through something tough, it can feel like you’re alone. That yourthe only one experiencing this or suffering. Common humanity invites us to see that all humans suffer and we all have shared experiences. It’s acknowledging the difficult parts of life, while also understanding that we have others walking along side of us who have experienced similar things. I suspect this is one of the reasons why people are so drawn to bloggers, influencers and celebrities that keep it real. It reminds us that we are all going through tough things together and that we’re not alone
3. Mindfulness over self-identification
Self-compassion requires us to feel all emotions, whether difficult or not. The reality is that if we continue to push tough emotions away, we also push away all the warm feelings such as joy and happiness, too. Mindfulness invites us to examine our feelings in a more open and nonjudgmental way. It also allows us to not be so caught up in our thoughts that they become all of who we are (over-identification).
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you get a free pass to get away with everything. For example, if you’re having a crappy day and end up binge watching Netflix, even though you have commitments you need to tend to. If the short term you may feel better, but chances are in the long term you’ll experience guilt, and shame over not finishing out your commitments. The self-compassion approach has us look at the long-term goals. Self-compassion creates a safe space to see clearly and move past the shame and guilt, towards our long-term goals.
Self-compassion During Covid-19
Self-compassion is now more important than ever, especially with the COVID-19 pandemic continuing to rage on. Our lives have been upended, creating isolation, higher workloads and more opportunities to beat ourselves up. When we are isolated, it’s difficult to easily see the shared humanity and experience of others. When we are over-worked and exhausted, it’s easier in the short term to beat ourselves up and try and shame ourselves into doing something.
So, next time you forget the bread or are noticing the “beating yourself up thoughts” try thinking about it from a self-compassionate lens. Either way, the experience happened. How you want to view it is up to you.
For more resources on self-compassion, visit Dr. Kristin Neff’s website at http://self-compassion.org/.
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