Adulting is hard. It’s so hard, in fact, it’s become a catchphrase of a generation. Go online and you’ll see plenty of #adulting or #adultingishard posts. And for good reason—being in your 20s can feel like trying to swim without knowing which way the shore is.
Erik Erikson’s Fifth Stage of Development
A lot of people have heard of Erik Erikson’s stages of development—maybe from a Psych 101 class or through something they scrolled past online. Having worked with people in their 20s and 30s for over 10 years, there’s one stage that always stands out to me: “Identity vs. Role Confusion.”
This stage asks a big question: Who am I? Erikson originally placed this stage between the ages of 12 and 18. He believed this is when people start figuring out who they are, experimenting with different roles, and reflecting on their identity. And sure, that’s definitely when it starts. Teenagers begin to branch out, rules at home loosen a bit, and there’s more room to explore.
But in my experience, that’s just the beginning.
It Really Starts in the 20s
These days, the 20s are when people are truly on their own for the first time. They’re trying to figure out who they are—not just in theory, but in everyday life: in their jobs, in their friendships, in romantic relationships. Different “selves” start to emerge, and it can feel disorienting. Questions pop up like, Who am I without school? What do I actually care about—not just what I was told to care about?
It can feel like emotional whiplash.
Mental Health Starts to Show Up
The 20s are also a time when mental health struggles either begin to show up or become harder to ignore. That doesn’t mean they weren’t there before, but when the structure of school disappears and stress increases, symptoms often become more obvious. Adulting comes with new responsibilities, fewer supports, and a lot more pressure.
The Loss of Structure and Purpose
College often gives people a built-in sense of structure, purpose, and connection. After graduation, that structure is suddenly gone. Many people feel like they’re floating—disconnected, unsure of their direction, and wondering what comes next.
The Pressure to Succeed (Fast)
And then there’s the pressure. To succeed. To succeed quickly. Financial stress starts to creep in. Social media adds to the pressure by showing everyone else’s highlight reels. Even if you know it’s not the full picture, it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind. There’s this unspoken expectation to have a thriving career, financial stability, and a great relationship—all at the same time.
That kind of pressure is intense, and for most people, totally unrealistic.
What Can Help?
Your 20s are full of change and uncertainty, and it’s normal to feel like you’re missing a lifeline. But there are ways to make it more manageable:
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Explore identity and values—therapy can be a great place to do this.
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Work on building a stronger sense of self.
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Create your own structure and support systems.
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And remind yourself: you’re not supposed to have it all figured out yet.
The 20s can be tough. Adulting is hard. But you don’t have to go through it alone.
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