One of life’s massive transitions, especially for an adult in their 20’s or 30’s, is getting married. I frequently find people in my office anxious about weddings. A wedding is supposed to be exciting but can equally be nerve-wracking and fraught with emotion.
One reason for unexpected anxiety is family dynamics. As we grow into adults, we learn to separate ourselves from our families and focus on what’s best for us. Nowadays, many 20 and 30somethings live far away from their family, not including them in certain areas of their lives. During a wedding, these boundaries that have been created can become muddled. There also may be pressure to uphold certain traditions that may not feel authentic to the couple or their family.
Finances can also play a role in wedding anxiety. Weddings are expensive. Finances are tricky in general, but a wedding adds another layer. There can be lots of feelings and emotions involved, such as if parents don’t pay, or the money was set aside for something else. There may be disappointment and resentment that go into the decision.
Additionally, unrealistic expectations can cause wedding anxiety. We’ve all seen the posts on social media of folks proclaiming, “This was the best day of my life, what a perfect day!” Truth be told, a completely perfect day is impossible. Inevitably something will go wrong. But the wedding industry and society have conditioned us to think that the right wedding MUST have an ice sculpture and photo booth. There are so many expectations on what you SHOULD have at your wedding, it’s easy to lose sight of what you want and feel like you’re not doing enough.
Below are four ways to help alleviate wedding anxiety.
Set Boundaries
Set boundaries from the start around how much input a family can give. By doing this from the start, your family will know your expectations from the beginning, alleviating stress later. For example, tell your mom that she can help plan the ceremony with you, but anything around the reception is off-limits. Having tough conversations can be difficult, however, I encourage you to just get them out of the way. If it’s bothering you, don’t let it fester. Bring it up right away, so then it will be squashed, and everyone can move on.
Set a Budget
Brainstorm what you can’t live without, what would be nice to have, and what you can do without. Prioritize what you want and then set a budget. Now, I’m a therapist and not a financial guru, so I don’t have too many tips around setting a budget, but in my world, a budget is a form of a healthy boundary. It will help you stay on track, eliminating the risk of fights in the future.
Set Your Expectations
There are SO many expectations around a wedding. Take some time to understand your unique situation and try and find some acceptance around your reality. For example, if your budget is lower than you wanted, let yourself feel all the feelings about it. Your feelings are valid and lots of other people would feel the same way. After you’ve allowed yourself time to react, try and cultivate some acceptance around your situation. This will allow you to live in the present moment utilizing the resources you have, rather than wishing you had something different. Remember, there’s no right way to get married!
Set Your Therapy Appointment (If Needed)
Planning a wedding is a perfect time to start therapy, as everything in life can be amplified. During therapy, you can learn coping skills to get you through the process. Also, as family dynamics come to the forefront, it can be an excellent place to process those feelings that may have been buried otherwise. If wedding planning is putting a strain on the relationship, it can be an outlet to explore what’s going on and how to move forward as well.
At the end of the day, your wedding is for you and your partner. Anxiety is normal, however, learning certain coping skills and therapy can be helpful to support you along in the process.
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